Finding My Role

I am my mother's daughter and all I wanted since I was an infant was to grow up and be just like her.  I still admire everything about that woman.  Fortunately, my whole family must have been cool with the idea.  My mom is the mom everyone wants; she'll let you play in dirt piles all day, cook ya dinner, and kiss you goodnight without a second thought.  She wanted me to be a tom-boy, but be able to turn it on and off depending on each situation.  That was great with me.  I was able to play barbies and dress up right after I came in from skinning my knee from climbing a tree.  My religion (Catholicism) expected me to be well behaved, modest, and motherly as I grew up.  I was born with a want to be well-behaved.  I fit well into my socioeconomic class, my gender and my ethnicity were cool with me. I pretty much eased right into what everyone else wanted of me just naturally.   

I remember the look on my family's face when I told them that I wanted to be a high school cheerleader.  Ha!  It was priceless.  My brother told me I'd end up being a slut and that he couldn't have that.  My mom and dad were their usual selves in holding back his real feelings to support my decision, but I could see the fear in their eyes.  My mom later spoke with me privately having several very awkward conversations about my virginity and modesty.  I said, "Why can't I be the one to prove the stereotypes wrong?"  Looking back I can totally see that she knew me.  She knew I had always just done what other people asked me to do.  I am the naive girl that just wants everyone else to be happy.  Of course she didn't want me to be involved in a group who can easily be taken advantage of.  But my whole life I was told I could be anything I wanted to be and not to judge others based on stereotypes.  I was determined to prove everyone wrong.  And I did.

It was more important to me to be what my mom and my church and my friends wanted of me than what I wanted for myself.  I think that had a lot to do with who I became--who I am now.  I'm still told by numerous people that I let myself get walked all over, but I think you can view things in two different ways.  If it's going to improve someone else's quality of life, I'll suffer a while.  I know where my limits are and when to say no.  I am proud of being a woman, but mostly I'm just proud of being me.